On Burrs in Tails
And how to get unstuck
I am stuck.
In every possible way.
“Physicallyyy, mentallyyy, eee-motionallyyy, and spirit-uallyy” That’s how my 10-year-old would say it: in the most dramatic fashion, with the sassiest of voices, as he pokes fun at his mother whenever I get frustrated that he's not doing what I asked him to do 10 times already!
“Buddy, I've asked you 10 times already: Please. Clear. The. (*Goddam f-ing!) TABLE!!(*Inside voice, of course)
“Umm, You're really damaging me like, physically, mentally…."
You get the idea. I don't know where he gets it. He's our family clown. He wants to be an actor one day. We're really hoping that he does because after the amount we’ll have spent on hockey - plus help with their first 2.5 bajillion dollar 1 bedroom condo - we're really going to need some financial support.
In the meantime, I'm stuck. And I have been for the past several weeks. October is a hard month. I thought grief was supposed to ease with time, but after 2 years it feels like it's only getting worse. I feel like I can't move. I feel like I can't think. I feel like I'm drowning and I feel disconnected from, well…. everything really.
I've been staring at this blank page for two days now. It's pulsing cursor begging me to write something….anything really, other than the dull, wet and soggy, depressing mess that seems to want to vomit out of me as I type - erase - type - erase - type type type type - then delete the whole thing. But here’s the rub: I can't even type. When I say “type,” it's not my fingers doing the work, it's my voice. The pain in my shoulder has become so bad that I can't use my right arm. So I am forced to use voice typing which, if you've never had to use it, is quite possibly the most irritating process ever. It never says what I want it to say and it does things I don't want it to do - like when I actually meant to write ‘then delete the whole thing’ as seen the above, it deletes it! So then I have to write out ‘then delete the whole thing’ with one hand. And since I’ve now done that three times I'm going to have to be very careful that I don't talk about d*leting anymore, even though I've never wanted to d*lete an entire page more in my life than I do right now!!
So yeah, I'm stuck. And now even more than in Body Mind and Spirit, I'm stuck with this page that sucks, which is precisely what I was trying to avoid these last two days. But I promised I would write every Tuesday –ish (Friday counts as -ish, right?) so here I am, trying to get out of blank page hell by going on and on about nothing, in hopes that it might also help me get out of my funk.
How do I get out of this? I've been asking for days. How am I ever going to get out of this? I’ve tried everything yet nothing seemed to work.
I tried eating a bag of Doritos, but then I just felt sick. I tried watching some Netflix, but then I just fell asleep. I tried taking a nap, but then I just felt even more tired. I tried making a green smoothie, but then realized I didn't have all the ingredients so I just ended up eating ice cream. I tried going for a walk, but then it started to rain, so I just turned back. I tried meditating, but then I just felt even more sad.
I tried everything.
Until I had to stop trying because I had to make dinner and feed the horses.
While standing in the mud waiting for Ace to finish, (He takes the longest to eat and if I don't guard him, Jez, who finishes first, will sneak over for a second helping!) I noticed that his tail couldn't swish the flies away properly. It was as if it was…stuck. I moved closer and saw that the bottom half of his tail was a matted mess; it was full, absolutely full, of burrs.
How do I get these out? How am I going to get these all out?! There's at least 40 or 50 in here!
There's only one way to deal with that many burrs…
And so I stood there, in the mud, next to Ace - who’s Dark Horse symbolism carries the message of tenderly inviting our shadows into the light and gently letting go of our pain from the past - and with a level of patience and care that I had been unable to access for myself, I painstakingly, hair by hair, burr by burr, managed to free his tail from the sticky, tangled mess.
When I came to the final burr something had shifted…well, everything had, really. My body felt more calm. My mind felt more still. My heart felt more open. My whole self felt more…connected. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually I could feel myself being pieced back together. I didn't need to try anymore.
There's only one way to get unstuck.
Word by word. Hair by hair. Moment by moment. Breath by breath; we must keep going, because the only way out, is through.
If you have also been feeling particularly stuck then I encourage you to join me for our next Full Moon Group Meditation on Thursday October 17th at 10:00 a.m. ET.
There is a lot of fiery energy around this full moon that is going to propel us forward and push us towards some big changes. There is an invitation to level up our confidence and step into a greater sense of boldness around what we are trying to create.
Let's feel into this exciting energy together and capitalize on it’s power as we set our intentions for the next moon cycle. I will share a message from the horses to deepen the support that is being offered.
Please join me by registering HERE!
Much love,
Carolyn 💞
Leave a comment and let me know if you’ve been feeling stuck around anything as well. I love hearing from you!