There is nothing quite like wearing your winter jacket and looking around at the snow covered landscape in April that offers the opportunity to practice the work. Like really really practice; the hard work of “living as though everything is a miracle.”

What’s so amazing or wonderful or breathtaking or, heck, even just plain old fine about watching the miracle of a fresh new tulip, working so hard to find it’s way through the earth, up and out into the light, only to get snuffed out by SNOW! Where’s the miracle there, huh?!! (*angrily pounds at keyboard. I think 6 months of the hardest. winter. ever. that just won’t end and teases us with 15 degree days followed by -10 degrees with punishing winds that affects the brain. That darkens the heart and breaks the spirit…)

Which is exactly why we must do the work even when it’s hard. We must commit to the practice, even when we don’t want to. The practice of patience; of acceptance; of releasing our grip on the expectation that things be the way we want them to be; that things be not what they are. The practice of presence; resting softly in the moment of whatever is, exactly as it is. (*takes a deep deep breath.)

It is April. It is snowing. It is. It is as it is. And as I take a deep breath now (ok, as I take several) I feel my body soften and my fingers return to a much more appropriate pace across the keyboard, I look over my desk and notice the banana peel left over from from earlier snack. A banana….I mean, what an amazing fruit the banana is. How magnificent nature is to come up with something like that? And all the way from Guatemala. Guatemala! 5000 km away and yet here it is. And here I am, having just experienced it’s sweetness and received it’s nutrients.

It’s actually kind of a miracle, isn’t?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. ― Albert Einstein

May this guided meditation will help you remember the miracles that are all around you.

much love,

Carolyn 💞

March 12th. The day the red wing blackbirds returned. Every year I look forward to hearing that particular call and running to the window to look for those distinctive red and yellow shoulder patches against their black bodies. They are one of the first birds to return here in Ontario. They arrive in huge flocks and their symphonic trill belts out: We are here! We are here! And we come bearing gifts: Rebirth, Renewal, Rejoice - Spring! It’s here!

I could feel the energy in my body immediately shifting. My feet so light, as if I was barely touching the Earth. My chest so open, as if my heart was 3 times it’s size. The months spent in icy darkness temporarily forgotten as I let myself be swept away by this blackbird serenade.

I knew it wouldn’t be long before the others arrived. And sure enough, just a few days later, my Merlin Bird ID listed one after the other. To see a long list of birds - not just the usual lone chickadee or crow; to know that such an abundant choir was all around me, even though I couldn’t see them all, reacquainted me with a joy I had feared I’d forgotten.

But that’s all it is, isn’t it. It’s just the forgetting. Forgetting that abundance is all around us, and that, even when it feels like it’s gone, it always return.

May this week’s Guided Meditation help you remember the abundance that is pulsing through everything right now. (And may this little video of Jez enjoying the sounds of the birds as well spark some joy in you too. ☺️)

so much love,

Carolyn 💞

I couldn’t think of anything to say last week. My mind like static: filled with noise and energy and frantic flickering and flailing and yet, filled with nothing.

And then the sun came out. Oh sweet glorious sun! I know you’ve been there all along and yet, I hate to admit it, I was starting to forget.

And then the light returned. Oh sweet glorious light! I know you never stray too far and yet (I hate to admit it) I was starting to worry.

And slowly I felt myself begin to fill, as nothing was replaced by this sun and light and, well, what else can that be called but life. Filled with song and energy, that wasn’t frantic or flailing at all - it was like floating; dancing really.

And then I thought; surely the words will return also.

I pulled out a chair. I turned my face towards the light. Jez and Skye came immediately to stand with me. Their heads above mine. Their breath, eventually, joining mine. (the other way around really.)

Filled with this much life and surrounded by this much love, surely the words would return now.

I waited. We breathed. I waited some more. But still nothing.

Still.

I couldn’t think of anything to say.

Jez and Skye each let out a soft snort that sounded like, “just breathe.” It sounded a lot like, “It’s ok.”

And so my apologies, I hope it’s ok that I can’t think of anything to say right now.

“Breathe like a fallen leaf and think of nothing. Just breathe and let your heart and mind be carried, however briefly, by the spirit you can't quite see.” Mark Nepo

In the meantime I hope this guided meditation below will help open you up to Spring’s warm light and be;

Still.

I hope it will fill you up with nothing

but Love.

Carolyn 💞

It's March. Sweet heavenly god, it's March. We have made it through. There is light ahead. Ever increasing light ahead. And so we begin this time of in between. This month of Middle. The temperature rises, but it's not yet warm. The snow returns, but it doesn't stay. It's no longer winter, but it's not quite spring. This neither here nor there-ness asks us to hold both at the same time.

As the snow begins to melt, the mud reappears. As the day begins to lengthen, the sunsets are restored.

Nature’s gentle hand of compromise – the pleasurable conditions that we love, and the unpleasant conditions that we hate. That we could do without.

Nature’s wise teachings of balance. We don't get to choose just the pleasant. You cannot have just half of the whole.

Can you stand powerfully in the middle – not getting sucked into the mud of despair, but also not getting swept away into the illusion of delight. Mud eventually dries. But sunsets always fade.

Holding both means letting go.

Standing in the middle means moving in flow.

This messy muddy month of middle has so much to offer us.

much love,

Carolyn 💞

The mercilessness of this winter continued throughout the week. Roads were closed. Gas stations ran out of gas and grocery store shelves started to empty; trucks unable to make their deliveries. And with the kids at home - still! - things started to feel eerily pandemic-esque.

That energy of “we just need to make it through the day” pulsing underneath the daily slog of shoveling, blowing, plowing; stuffing hay nets and dragging them through waist deep snow to the horse shelter; the horses - despite their built in 4-wheel drive - no longer able to pass through the 5ft deep drift right in front of their hay hut. And the greatest challenge of all: trying not to grab hold of each others’ throats.

The harshness of these outside conditions offer the perfect reflection of our inner battles. Our times of, ‘I just can’t make it through,’ take hold regardless of the season. I’ve shared how much of 2024 felt like a year long ‘I just can’t’ for a multitude of reasons. With such a harsh winter, 2025 wasn’t feeling much different.

Yet it is precisely when we are pushed up against the great wall of ‘I can’t,’ that we realize maybe the wall isn’t as firm as we believed.

Maybe, if we just keep going, a path will be revealed. No matter how deep the trenches, there is always a way through.

Let this week’s guided meditation above help you find a way through. It helped me a lot this week. I hope it may serve you as well.

much love,

Carolyn 💞

My kids have been sick for weeks.

The snow been falling for weeks.

The deep freeze has persisted for weeks.

The brain fog has continued for weeks.

The tears….

For weeks and weeks I’ve been wrestling with the fact that this new year hasn’t felt very new at all. It’s been one thing after another, as each week just rolls into another. I feel like I haven’t had a second to catch my breath.

So as another week comes to an end, I catch myself;

The only way this next week will be new is if you let it.

Do you let it? Or do you carry yesterday into today? Did you bring the frustrations from last week into this week? I know I certainly did.

At the end of yet another week, filled with weeks and weeks of frustrations from the weeks before, as the sun slips below the horizon…

Jezabelle sticks her nose in my face, knocking me out of my somber state. I feel her warm breath against my cold skin, her snow covered muzzle wets my cheek, blending with my tears; you’d never know they were there moments ago.

You’d never know.

That’s how easily this brand new week can be brand new.

Release the week, the day, the moment before this one.

With a deep breath, what was once there just moments ago can be gone.

If you let it.

And just like that, tears can become horse slobber, can become laughter.

A heavy heart can become light.

Weeks and weeks of struggle can ease.

If you drop the resistance, allow it, let it go.

If you let it, right this very moment can be beautiful.

This meditation below will support you with just that.

Share with me: what weeks and weeks of your “stuff” do you need to let go of in order to embrace a brand new week?

much love,

Carolyn 💞

As we prepare for the 10 thousandth storm to roll in tonight, and as my already shot nervous system non-prepares for yet another potential Snow Day on Monday (we are at 20 now), there isn’t much that’s feeling particularly still about this winter.

Just as soon as one event dies down, that little red, fear-mongering notice of a ‘Weather Advisory’ appears on my phone. With animals that live outside 24/7 and children who need to get to hockey games an hour and a half, to two, to sometimes three hours away, these advisories keep us in a near constant state of terror.

I am no longer just drained, weary, worn-out, sapped - all of the regular kinds of exhausted - I have reached a new depth of what is so aptly called, bone-deep exhausted.

This time no longer feels just intense, overwhelming, challenging, heavy – all the regular kinds of hard - it feels unbearable.

Unbearably bone deep.

The words themselves have a crushing energy.

And yet…

Under the weight and in the depths - where it feels like light cannot possibly exist; it does.

Under unbearable weight; it is there.

Into the depths of deep; it is there.

Within us; no matter how much or how hard or I just can’t; it is there.

And so, as another storm becomes another storm which becomes another school snow day and another missed work day and another this is too much day; there is still a pause inbetween, like the breath, as exhale becomes inhale becomes exhale, there is a little tiny pause, almost undetectable, and yet; it is there.

Even the horses, with all of their size and power, have found difficulty navigating the belly deep snow. Heavy snow fall after heavy snow fall, the paths they carved through their field the day before are gone. the next. Buried. They must use all of that power to carve a new path, to find a new way. No matter how deep, no matter how much it can’t be seen, there is path, there is way, it is there.

May this guided meditation below help you find light in the depths, a pause in the inbetween and a path back to stillness.

What’s keeping you going through the depths or the weight of this season - this time of year or time in your life right now? Reply or comment below, I’d love to know!

much love,

Carolyn 💞

It’s February - now let’s really talk about the new year.

It’s just so easy to do in January, isn’t it? The excitement about everything new - new year, new you, new vision, new life! - is already there. It’s in the air. It’s in every word exchanged. It’s in your body. It feels really good.

But what about when that natural excitement wanes? Like it does right about now, in February. When it’s still bloody freezing and you’re still the same you? Nothing has changed at all. It’s still your same old life.

This is why I kind of resist getting caught up in January’s intoxicating ‘newness.’ I know it’s too easy and the real work is waiting. The real work is to create your own newness now. The work is to be in the energy of all that you want to create this year now. The real work awaits you in February (and March and April…) because it’s no longer done for you. You must do it - you must be it - now. Right now. Today.

So let this Guided Meditation - Your Best Year Yet - support you with that.

And please share with me: How are you feeling about your goals, dreams and intentions as we begin February?

much love,

Carolyn 💞

We survived the polar vortex. And “Blue Monday”. The saddest day of the year, apparently. I've always carried mixed feelings about Blue Monday. On the one hand, it's so refreshing and healing to hear others speak out loud about feeling sad. I mean, even our go-to radio station’s morning host was doling out helpful tips and comforting, near concerned, words like; “Please take care of yourself. Go for a walk, call a friend. Just do whatever you need to do.” It feels reassuring. “They understand! Finally, they understand what that heaviness is like. The one that exists outside the acceptable reasons, like pain and grief and loss. The one that’s just…there.” (By the way, don't you always just wonder who "they" are? These mysterious authorities in charge of such official matters. Is there a special department for Day Naming? How many “theys” are they? Do they sit around a table? Do they use power point or excel sheets? I mean, how do they make sure that International Pet Day doesn’t get double booked with Sibling Day? And just how International are we talking here?)

Yet on the other hand…the idea that you only get a one day allowance for ‘no explanation required’ sadness, can make it worse for us regularly sad folks. “What about all the other days?? Like Blue Tuesday or Saturday? What about entire months? Blue September?? Or what about…what about the years?! What about when you have a particularly hard year, as I did; Blue 2024?

If you happened to read my last post, I spoke about giving myself grace and time to come to a place of, “Woo hoo! It’s-a-brand-new-year-and-I’m-so-excited-and-I-just-can’t-hide-it!” in my own time, without the usual pressure that comes with the first week of January. And it worked. Little by little, I started to get more excited and re-energized as the days went on until, irony of all ironies, it felt like my very own New Years Day, filled with all the accompanying energy and hope, on….Blue Monday! That’s right, on the exact same day as ‘It’s OK to feel Sad’ Day, I felt great!

So maybe it’s a little strange to share a guided meditation called, ‘Don’t Give Up,’ [LISTEN BELOW] given that I’m all pumped up about what this year has to offer and am just getting started with 2025 intentions. (I’m on Day 5 of no news or social media and it’s been absolutely blissful!)

But like the authorities say, this is where people start to lose the motivation that was so easy to generate a few weeks ago. This is where the depth of winter feels like it will end. This is where those brownies you said you wouldn’t eat start to look really enticing. This is where you start hitting the snooze button even though you said you wouldn’t.

So maybe this meditation is exactly what you needed. It’s been a weird week. (So I hear. Though I wouldn’t know a thing about since I’m off the news.)

I needed this message a lot last year.

So whether it’s your own blue monday or purple wednesday. Whether it’s a brand new year or not. Feel sad whenever you need to. I see you. Just don’t ever ever give up on yourself or your dreams.

much love,

Carolyn 💞

January 19th feels a tad awkward to say ‘Happy New Year!” But January 1st didn’t feel so happy, and it certainly didn’t feel very new.

Chronic pain will do that. The pulsing aching, burning, stabbing, shooting, ‘please dear god just cut it off!’ relentless pain in my arm and shoulder, couldn’t give a fig whether was December 31st or January 1st. Or 2nd or 3rd or even 4th, which are all acceptable times to shout from the roof tops, “Woohoo I’m so excited and pumped and energized-it’s a brand new year, a brand new me-everything is going to be different and amazing-I’m filled with so much hope!” and they are decidedly unacceptable and highly inappropriate times to grumble to yourself like a New Years Scrooge, “This sucks and everything is exactly the same and nothing is gonna change and I feel miserable and completely hopeless!”

So I didn’t bother saying anything. And I didn’t judge myself for not feeling how we are expected to feel just because our made up calendar switches to a new year.

Standing with the horses helped me let go of any lingering judgement as they stood there on jan 1st exactly the same as the had Dec 31st. Nothing changed for them. At all. Nature doesn’t give a damn. But in the most loving way possible, because there is no expectation. You never need to be feel anything different than exactly what you feel. Ever.

In that space of loving acceptance and with the practice of patience, I gave myself the permission to come to the ‘Woo Hoo!’ in perfect and right timing for me.

And so….

WOO-FRICKIN-HOO!! I am so excited about the new possibilities for 2025!

So speaking of new and exciting, here is a Guided Meditation that will help you feel into and cultivate the energy of all the exciting success that is waiting for you in this Brand! New! Year!

If we are not living in the expectation of our highest outcome, then we are merely living in the recreation of our past.

I hope you enjoy the listen and the opportunity to cultivate what you want to generate in 2025.

And please do share with me what you’re exciting about creating this year. I’d love to hear from you!

much love,

Carolyn

Here we are again.

After an unseasonably warm November, winter suddenly decided it needed to make up for lost time by dumping a month’s worth of snow in just 2 days. The truth could no longer be denied: Winter comes eventually.  No matter how delayed, it will come every year. And, living in Canada, it comes with a vengeance. It will be bloody freezing again. You will need to wear 3 layers. It will be so cold that it will get into your bones. And if you fool yourself into thinking that you can just “quickly” scrape the ice off the windshield without gloves, your fingers will feel like they're about to fall off.

This will happen. Despite this knowledge, I will once again be unprepared for its arrival. Every year I say I will be better. Every year I say, Next year I will be ready! And then every year I’m not. No matter what, I will find myself sorting through 5 mis-matched single-handed gloves that every year mysteriously lose their other half. I will be throwing the outdoor lights back into the Christmas bin because I didn't get them hung in time. Every year I will be breaking the ice in the horses’ water trough because I didn’t set up the heated buckets before the temperature dropped. Every year I find myself in the exact same position I promised myself I wouldn't be in. Every year I berate myself for not having my shit together. For not being more organized. For not being…….different. For not being the person I am trying so hard to be to; the person who can fully rise out of the ashes of the past; the person who has freed themselves from the chains of their destructive programming; the person who bears no resemblance whatsoever to the person who molded me.

Yet with every promise broken and every same old pattern repeated; with every failed attempt to be organized and orderly; to be focused and efficient; with every arrival back where I started, at ‘here we are again!’ I fear that I will stay the same; that I'll be just like her.

Perhaps this sounds like I am being too harsh over some Christmas decorations and winter preparations, but it’s not just that. This mad dash to be on top of it came on the heels of being out of it - out of commission for a good part of November.

Two days on the bathroom floor (mysterious stomach bug) followed by 4 days in a darkened room (routine migraine) followed by 6 days in a melancholic fog (inevitable fallout), all while using whatever ounce of energy remained to pretend that I was fine because, obviously, moms can’t be sick.

Every time my chronic physical or mental illness takes me down I say, Next time I'll be ready! I’ll get ahead of the game. I'll plan for it instead of being blindsided by it. I won't let it take me down. I'll be gentle with myself through it and I will jump back up quickly after it. Next time I'll be…different.

And then every time, I’m not.

Here we are again! I find myself in the exact same position. This will happen. Why am I like this?? Why can't I be normal! Why can't I be better than this! I will be frustrated and exhausted and mad at myself.

Once again, I will need to pick myself up and start over. I will need to relearn the lessons of self compassion and radical acceptance of who I am and whatever I am or am not and whatever the hell is happening; whether I like it or not. I will need to remember that change is hard, that the work never ends and that self criticism and judgement only make it harder. I will need to return to wherever my feet find themselves right now and feel that the generous present moment doesn't care about better; it only cares about being. Being here and now exactly as I am. The only different it cares about is, will you be different in this moment? Will you let go of the judgement now? Will you be gentle and forgiving now? Will you be loving now? Will you be who you want to be, now? So I will need to take a deep breath and begin again.

This will happen.

Part of winter’s getting ready process is digging out the horse blankets. Ace and Skye rarely need one. Rugged and sturdy quarter horses, they develop the thickest of thick woolly coats. They don't require too much extra fuss, but Jez, well, she’s…different. More sensitive, more delicate, more….. just plain more than the other two, in every sense of the word. So every year – every. single. year. – when I go to put on her blanket for the first time she will do her “dance”. This will happen.

Wide eyed, head high, she snorts and prances around as I attempt to lift the blanket over her back. Oh Jezabelle, really? REALLY?! Do we really have to do this every time?!! I promise you, the blanket that you have worn your entire life is NOT a lion trying to kill you! Why can’t you be like the others? Why can’t you just be…normal!

Here we go again! I roll my eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. And then…surrender. Well alrighty then, I guess we just need to start over. So begins the blanket re-introduction and re-schooling. I stay patient and grounded. I give her space and time to figure it out. I guide her back to a calm state. I help her remember what she has forgotten. And with my acceptance of the way that she is and the care and attention that she requires in this moment, her head begins to lower, her eyes begin to soften, she lets out a releasing snort and comes to a stand still. I toss the blanket over her body and fasten the buckles while she stands there patiently, as if the last 5 minutes never happened.

Silly girl. I pat her neck and kiss her nose. Was that really necessary? She goes back to grazing as I go back to the house with a smile. Yes, it was absolutely necessary.

Because no matter what – no matter how many times we falter; no matter how many times we try to change but don't. No matter how many times we let ourselves down; fall short; mess up; fail miserably; no matter how many times we wish we could be different or that things could be better; no matter how long it takes or how many times it takes - it is absolutely necessary that we come back to the generous present moment - that we be different in this moment - and just…

begin again.

— where do you need to start over and begin again? I’d love to hear!

The final live meditation of 2024 is coming up on Monday December 16 at 10 AM EST!

Let's get still together, release whatever we need to from this year and open up space for an exciting brand new begin again 2025!

Click Here to Register to you can receive the reminders.

I hope to be with you there.

so much love,

Carolyn 💞

After being battered by snow for the last couple days, the winds raging and the snow falling sideways, there is return to stillness today as the sun begins to gently poke out again. There is a return to calm. A return to center. A return… There is always a return. Something that is all to easy to forget when we get swept away by worry and anxiety. I’ve been swimming in both lately. If flailing and drowning can be called swimming. But today, there is a sense of peace that returns to my body and I am so grateful.

May this week’s guided meditation help you return as well.

And may Ace, my Yeti Horse, remind you that no matter what you’re facing right now, it is only when you actually face it; turn towards it; surrender to it, that you can find the calm and ease you were looking for when you were trying to run away from it.

“….feel the rhythm of your breath, always moving yet always staying with you. 

Moving through you yet never away from you.

Reaching out yet always returning back.

A sea of questions seeking answers on the shore,

that returns back to find the answers within it.

We look for answers out there, but here, in the present moment,

is where all answers are found.”

December Full Moon Group Meditation coming up! Stay tuned for date and time.

So much Love,

Carolyn 💞

I don’t even know where to begin with sharing everything that’s happened these last two weeks, so I will begin next week. Today is about taking a giant exhale and coming back into my body.

I invite you to do the same.

So without saying much, I will leave you with this short guided meditation to help you quiet your mind as well. It doesn’t take much. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. Just close your eyes, breathe, soften your body, and Be; exactly where you are.

No matter how chaotic things were in the weeks or days or seconds beforehand, nothing else actually matters but this moment.

So, no words today.

Just an invitation: Take 5 minutes - right now in this exact moment - and Be with me.

Many more words, stories and my usual ramblings to follow next week, not to worry. (which I know you’re not at all because, life. But it’s fun to think that you missed hearing from me because I know I certainly missed sharing with you. ☺️)

much love,

Carolyn 💞

Blurred memories of sun filled days give way to the burnt and bronzed and wet landscape that stretches out before us.

The final hints of life and color fade to brown and bleak, slowly, yet swiftly. A time lapse.

Beckoning us to remember that in our haste and hurry to get there quickly, here, right now, is where life is unfolding.

Here, where the earth turns to mud. The branches turn to bare. The leaves turn to dust. The fruit turns to rot. The sky turns to grey.

Autumn's final pause invites us to turn towards ourselves. To go deep within. Where we can touch the silence that speaks. The stillness that shouts its truth and asks; What are you waiting for?

What else must this fleeting beauty do beyond dying to remind you; to awaken you; to shake loose the memory that you too are earth and branches and blossom and sky

And that your bones and flesh and breath shall too turn to mud and dust and rot. 

Turn to the truth: you are nature.

You are fleeting and you are also forever. 

You are unfolding and you are also fading. 

And only when you are still can you hear what you’ve forgotten

you are also,

wild.

So what are you waiting for?

xo 💞

But also….

There is nothing quite like the sledgehammer of criticism and judgement that comes crashing down right after the joy of receiving that support - any support really; a paid subscriber; a free subscriber; kind words; a ‘thank you for sharing this helped me so much!’

It’s taken decades to actually allow the kindness and acknowledgement to enter my heart - instead of balking and pushing it away immediately. But it's allowing it to stay that continues to be the problem. It's like there’s a vicious little Pac-Man, with sharp fangs and evil eyes, working its way through the maze-like folds and bends at all times, hunting down and gobbling up any and every crumb of worthiness I may have allowed to settle.

I didn’t exist to the people who were supposed to care that I did, but I guess it’s the fact that they still don’t that keeps this devilish Pac-Man from being satiated. For as long as they continue to walk this earth not giving a damn whether I do or not, I will forever be on my own quest to replant the seeds of worthiness every time they get devoured.

This is the beauty of the present moment though: it does not care how barren the land may be; it doesn’t care about the seeds that were never planted because of the love we never got; it doesn’t care about the seeds that were removed because of the mistakes we made; it doesn’t care about the seeds that never bloomed because of the beliefs we held about ourselves that stopped them from thriving.

All it asks is this: will you stay the loving and devoted gardener and will you plant another seed right now? Eventually, something will grow.

Eventually, Pac-Man will get tired. The console will run out of batteries. The technology will become outdated. The kids won’t care about some stupid game from the 80s. And that’s all our beliefs are: fabricated illusions that we’ve been stuck in for decades that we thought were so real but are really…just a game.

What’s real is this moment. What’s real is the earth beneath your feet and the breath in your body. What’s real is the seed of possibility you hold in your hand. What’s real is the power of choice you hold at all times….

Will you take another deep breath. Will you be exactly where you are right now and will you kneel down and plant another seed.

Please enjoy this week’s guided meditation Breathe and Be Here.

So much love,

Carolyn 💞

Rubber boots. Plaid jacket. Baseball cap. Gloves.

Rubber boots. Plaid jacket. Baseball cap. Gloves.

The monotonous routine of getting ready to go outside…..as I put on each piece of my horse chores “uniform,” I am nudged another inch further into the morning; and the next day, another inch further into the rest of the week.  And I am grateful. Unable to push myself, it is the humdrum of chores, routines and other beings demanding to be fed that fills in for my missing internal motivation, desire or ambition.

But Fall’s fickle energy begins to slowly nudge me out of this sluggish daze. There is no monotony here: one minute the darkening sky spells rain. In the next minute, the sun shines as if it was out all day. The next day, the frost paints the grass with an iciness that says winter is coming. And then the next day, the balminess in the air matches the warmth in the shades of red, orange and yellow and suddenly I am wrapped in a heat that feels close to summer. My jacket and gloves coming off and on, on and off, trying to keep up with these fluctuations.

Something begins to awaken in me with each dramatic shift; nature’s reminder that no day - no matter how much we assume it will - can ever be exactly the same as the one before it. And we are no different. Each day we wake up anew. Each moment presents us with the opportunity for radical change. Each breath asks us to marvel at the miracle of just being alive.

Let's go! I can feel the energy attempt to beckon me forward.

But I'm not ready, I whisper back.

Two scoops in the first bowl.

Two scoops in the second bowl.

Two scoops in the third.

I dish out their feed and then carry the bowls towards the paddock. Jez first, Skye next, Ace last. I wait for them to finish, as I always do, while listening to the familiar sounds of them crunching and munching and licking their bowls clean. It's just like every other day, except that I'm starting to remember that it's not. So I take a minute to press pause before routine continues to propel me onto the next step.

Feet firmly planted. Shoulders roll back. Eyes close. Inhale deeply. Exhale slowly. 
Within seconds, Jez came and stood beside me on my left. Then skye came up beside me on my right. Both of them holding me, surrounding me with support. They nuzzled their respective cheek, wiping away the tears. It wasn't sadness that trickled down my face, it was relief. I could feel the flicker of desire beginning to move through me once again.

With Jez on my left, her wisdom of gentle power and bold grace, holding me so firmly in the present moment; it was like my past no longer mattered. With Skye on my right, her wisdom of playful curiosity and fearless innocence, holding me so fiercely in limitlesspossibility; as if nothing was out of my reach. 

I am supported. I am powerful. I am ready! 

On cue, Skye stepped forward and moved ahead, calmly walking away.

You have everything you need. You are more than ready. Move powerfully towards what you want.

I retrieved the bowls, took them back to the barn, rinsed them out, placed them back in their spots for the next day, headed back to the house. But it wasn't routine that was pulling me this time; there was a fire in my heart leading me towards something new and exciting.

Let's go! I wanted to shout as I took off my hat, jacket, gloves and boots.

What are you ready for?

October's fiery Full Moon - another supermoon! -  is “The biggest and brightest Moon of 2024 and the biggest and brightest Hunters Moon since 2007.”

Please join me tomorrow (today?!) for our next Full Moon Group Meditation.

Thursday, October 17th at 10 AM ET

Click Here to sign up and join

There is so much powerful energy to partner with here so let's feel into it together - magnifying the potency even more via the power of collective - and shed any stuck or sluggish energy and catapult ourselves forward.

Hope to see you there!

much love,

Carolyn 💞

This is the perfect opportunity to express how grateful I am that you are here; reading my words, listening to my meditations, receiving the wisdom from my horses and being a part of this beautiful growing community. Your support means the world to me and I am so excited to expand this space as we move forward. I want this little corner to be a place of sanctuary; where you feel held, nourished, inspired and a little less lonely. After all, life is messy, we’re all crazy and no one really knows what they're doing. We all need reminders to slow down, get still; to see the beauty all around us and feel the magic within us. May this space help you remember.

After the madness that came out of my brain in my last post, I thought some energy cleansing would be appropriate. This certainly helped me dust off a lot of the negativity that I had been carrying around. I invite you to do the same in preparation for our upcoming Full Moon Group Meditation - Thursday, October 17th at 10:00 AM ET.

This month’s moon is a fiery one. We are going to be asked to really let go of what has been keeping us stuck lately and we will be offered a big push forward.

What old patterns have been coming up that you just can't seem to get out of? What are you yearning to create that you just can't seem to move towards?

Let's feel into those questions together and use the massive support and power of this October Full Moon to propel us forward. This will be an exciting time of action!

I will begin by sharing a short message of support from the horses. Then we will move into a relaxing guided meditation and then complete with some journalling questions and a mantra for you to sink into after we close.

I would be delighted to have you join me!

Click HERE to register.

In the meantime, may you enjoy this week’s Guided Meditation above – Cleanse Negative Energy.

Much love,

Carolyn 💞

I am stuck. 

In every possible way. 

“Physicallyyy, mentallyyy, eee-motionallyyy, and spirit-uallyy” That’s how my 10-year-old would say it: in the most dramatic fashion, with the sassiest of voices, as he pokes fun at his mother whenever I get frustrated that he's not doing what I asked him to do 10 times already! 

“Buddy, I've asked you 10 times already: Please. Clear. The. (*Goddam f-ing!) TABLE!!(*Inside voice, of course)

“Umm, You're really damaging me like, physically, mentally…."

You get the idea. I don't know where he gets it. He's our family clown. He wants to be an actor one day. We're really hoping that he does because after the amount we’ll have spent on hockey - plus help with their first 2.5 bajillion dollar 1 bedroom condo - we're really going to need some financial support. 

In the meantime, I'm stuck. And I have been for the past several weeks. October is a hard month. I thought grief was supposed to ease with time, but after 2 years it feels like it's only getting worse. I feel like I can't move. I feel like I can't think. I feel like I'm drowning and I feel disconnected from, well…. everything really.

I've been staring at this blank page for two days now. It's pulsing cursor begging me to write something….anything really, other than the dull, wet and soggy, depressing mess that seems to want to vomit out of me as I type - erase - type - erase - type type type type - then delete the whole thing. But here’s the rub: I can't even type. When I say “type,”  it's not my fingers doing the work, it's my voice. The pain in my shoulder has become so bad that I can't use my right arm. So I am forced to use voice typing which, if you've never had to use it, is quite possibly the most irritating process ever. It never says what I want it to say and it does things I don't want it to do - like when I actually meant to write ‘then delete the whole thing’ as seen the above, it deletes it! So then I have to write out ‘then delete the whole thing’ with one hand. And since I’ve now done that three times I'm going to have to be very careful that I don't talk about d*leting anymore, even though I've never wanted to d*lete an entire page more in my life than I do right now!!

So yeah, I'm stuck. And now even more than in Body Mind and Spirit, I'm stuck with this page that sucks, which is precisely what I was trying to avoid these last two days. But I promised I would write every Tuesday –ish (Friday counts as -ish, right?) so here I am, trying to get out of blank page hell by going on and on about nothing, in hopes that it might also help me get out of my funk.

How do I get out of this? I've been asking for days. How am I ever going to get out of this? I’ve tried everything yet nothing seemed to work. 

I tried eating a bag of Doritos, but then I just felt sick. I tried watching some Netflix, but then I just fell asleep. I tried taking a nap, but then I just felt even more tired. I tried making a green smoothie, but then realized I didn't have all the ingredients so I just ended up eating ice cream. I tried going for a walk, but then it started to rain, so I just turned back. I tried meditating, but then I just felt even more sad.

I tried everything.  

Until I had to stop trying because I had to make dinner and feed the horses.

While standing in the mud waiting for Ace to finish, (He takes the longest to eat and if I don't guard him, Jez, who finishes first, will sneak over for a second helping!) I noticed that his tail couldn't swish the flies away properly. It was as if it was…stuck. I moved closer and saw that the bottom half of his tail was a matted mess; it was full, absolutely full, of burrs.

How do I get these out? How am I going to get these all out?! There's at least 40 or 50 in here!

There's only one way to deal with that many burrs…

And so I stood there, in the mud, next to Ace - who’s Dark Horse symbolism carries the message of tenderly inviting our shadows into the light and gently letting go of our pain from the past -  and with a level of patience and care that I had been unable to access for myself, I painstakingly, hair by hair, burr by burr, managed to free his tail from the sticky, tangled mess.

When I came to the final burr something had shifted…well, everything had, really. My body felt more calm. My mind felt more still. My heart felt more open. My whole self felt more…connected. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually I could feel myself being pieced back together. I didn't need to try anymore.

There's only one way to get unstuck. 

Word by word. Hair by hair. Moment by moment. Breath by breath; we must keep going, because the only way out, is through.

If you have also been feeling particularly stuck then I encourage you to join me for our next Full Moon Group Meditation on Thursday October 17th at 10:00 a.m. ET.

There is a lot of fiery energy around this full moon that is going to propel us forward and push us towards some big changes. There is an invitation to level up our confidence and step into a greater sense of boldness around what we are trying to create. 

Let's feel into this exciting energy together and capitalize on it’s power as we set our intentions for the next moon cycle. I will share a message from the horses to deepen the support that is being offered.

Please join me by registering HERE!

Much love,

Carolyn 💞

Leave a comment and let me know if you’ve been feeling stuck around anything as well. I love hearing from you!

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The movie selection came without conflict. It doesn't always. One wants a comedy, while the other wants action. One wants a movie we’ve seen 10,000 times. The other wants something new. But this time, we all agreed, and it was perfect.

The perfect family movie night – a hard-earned treat after a long busy week. Until I went ahead and blew it. He just wanted to talk to me - my son, my 13-year-old son, wanted to talk to me - but… it was 10 pm. I was exhausted. We’d already talked so much that day. I wanted a minute to myself. So I snapped. Then I instantly regretted it.

Although I know full well that regret and guilt come hand-in-hand with motherhood, knowing this never seems to ease the sting of feeling it.

Ugh, what kind of terrible mother are you? You couldn't have given him just 10 minutes? Don’t you know how lucky you are that he wants to talk to you? Don't you know that in the blink of an eye he won't want to talk to you at all? Why did you do that?! And why did you have to go and mess up such a great evening??

Although this level of berating may seem a bit excessive for the crime, regret knows no bounds when we feel like we have f*cked up.

The fact that we do fail so fantastically over and over again as parents, gives us the opportunity to let go over and over again. Letting go never happens just once. It is a constant, constant practice.

Letting go is hard. The past is, well, it's with us all the time. It happened, we were there, we lived through it; it was real. But that’s the thing - it was real. It's not anymore. The only thing that’s real is right now. The only place we can live is right here. But living in the past is so much easier! It runs on habit. It runs on auto pilot. It does the bloody work for us! Easy, sure, but much more devastating and disrespectful to the life we do have now, and the life that we’re so lucky to have left.

Of course, this is not what I’m thinking about after barking at my son and ruining our perfect movie night. But it's all of these little mistakes and mess ups that provide the opportunity to practice so that we can let go of the really big whoppers: wasting 20 years I could have devoted to being a writer. Waiting 10 years to really deal with the pain in my shoulder; now it's gotten so bad I don't know if it’ll ever heal. Not following my intuition when my son was a baby which led to a permanent head tilt; something that could have so easily been corrected with a couple Physio sessions will now affect him for the rest of his life. (That one will haunt me forever.)

But the present moment doesn't care about 20 years ago, 12 years ago or 2 days ago when you yelled at your kid. The present moment is wide-open offering nothing but love and acceptance. Meditation practice isn't about sitting still and peacefully every day: it's about learning to sit in the agitation of life’s messiness and your f*cked up-ness long enough for you to realize that underneath the mess and after all of your mess ups, there is still, always, only, Love.

I hope this week’s guided meditation will help you feel into that Love and remind you that, no matter what you did or didn’t do; said or didn’t say; where you went wrong or didn’t go at all, you are whole and good and beautiful and lovable exactly as you are right now.

Don’t forget to join me for our next Full Moon Group Meditation on Thursday Oct. 17th at 10am ET!

Click HERE TO REGISTER

I would love to practice with you and share energy together as we let go of what needs to be released in October and make room for what’s ready to come next!

much love,

Carolyn 💞

It feels like it’s been one thing after another. The stress of hockey try outs. The frustration of sickness (Yes, again!). The debilitating chronic pain in my arm. The relentless headaches. The deepening heartache as I approach the anniversary of a devastating loss.

Ugh, I just need to get through this, I tell myself. A pathetic attempt at reassurance because I know it’s not true. I’ve lived through too much of “this” to ignore the truth: even when we do get through this, another “this” arrives to take it’s place.

This is life. And all of the bumps – similar to the ones on the roads – are just trying to slow us down. Reminding us; stop trying to get through your life, be in your life.

When we are constantly trying to get through ‘this,’ we all too easily overlook that; that other thing happening alongside what feels so difficult right now.

To ‘trust the process’ isn’t so much about; hold your breath, grit your teeth, hang on tight and this will soon end and then things will be good.

Trust the process means trust the Now. It means taking a deep breath, relaxing your jaw, letting your body soften and seeing that things are also good here .

When I slow down and remember to breathe, these hard times have also included: the grinning smiles on my boys’ faces when they made their rep hockey teams. The most beautiful September with warm summer-like days. The sparkle in my son’s eye after getting his first stylish ‘I'm starting to care about girls’ haircut; watching with awe as he begins to transition out of boyhood. The glee in my other son as he leaps around the living room like he's won the lottery, after getting a new two-piece Jurassic World tracksuit from Walmart; watching with a deeper sense of gratitude that he still remains in the innocence of boyhood.

I’d never want to miss all of that. I want to experience it while it’s here, before it gets replaced by whatever comes next. Paying attention to all the good that is happening now, even though it's also hard, means that no matter what comes next, I can trust this inevitable process to bring so much beauty along with it.

I hope this week’s Guided Meditation will help you trust whatever process you're in right now a little bit more as well.

Reminder: Meditating together makes it even more powerful.

Please join me for our next Full Moon Live Meditation on October 17th at 10 AM Eastern Time.

Click HERE to register.

I hope to see you there!

Some kind words about September’s gathering…

Thank you!! I enjoyed it so very much!! While I had no expectations, you exceeded them. lol Your presence was so calm & soothing and the Horse wisdom you offered was serendipitous.

Mark your calendar and sign up HERE.

Much love,

Carolyn 💞